Dark Redemption
by thelastmorgensterns
Summary: *COHF SPOILERS* Although death is nearing, Jonathan Morgenstern has never felt more alive as he inhales his first breath of freedom from himself. [Jonathan's POV as his life comes to an end] From Judas Kiss in CoHF
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, people of this world. This is my first ever fanfiction so sorry if it's kinda noob-ish. It is from the chapter****_ Judas Kiss_**** from CoHF in Jonathan's POV. Jonathan is basically one of my most favourite characters of all time and I really enjoyed writing this :)**

**DISCLAMER: I think we all know this but, I do not own TMI. Oh how I wish I did but Cassandra Clare owns the characters and the series ^-^**

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_"Hail, master," she said, and saw his eyes widen, just as she pulled Heosphoros free and brought it up in a bight arc, the blade slamming through his rib cage, the tip positioned to pierce his heart._  
- Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire

I remember, ever since I was created, of trying to fight him. The other me. _Sebastian_. He would try to get into my head. He would taunt me, telling me about my sister, Clarissa. He would tell me about what he was going to do to her, his onyx eyes gleaming every time he mentioned how they were going to rule the world together – but he didn't need to tell me anything, I would already know because I am him. I would already know of his intentions and his desires. And I couldn't stop him. Until now.

I feel all the air go out of me as the feeling of a blade pierces my chest to a place that I thought could never kill Sebastian. Through his – my eyes, I could see a sword prodding from my chest but no blood. All I saw was red – a spark of fire and all around the blade, it started to burn. The burn was as painful as being told I will never be loved.

"What – is – this," Sebastian manages through clenched teeth. By the angel, the pain was unbearable.

"And I will give him the Morning Star," Clary says fearlessly. "It's not a weapon that was made under Heaven. It is Heaven's fire."

With trembling hands, Sebastian pulls the sword free, a scream rising up from his throat. Sebastian takes an incredulous look at the blade before he started lighting up. White hot flames consumes his whole body, the light so bright it was like looking directly up at the sun.

I feel pain, so much pain. Sebastian is screaming – screaming from pain and rage that he let his sister betray him. Beyond his screams, there were others. The Endarkened were crying out to their master. Burning wind blew all around.

Then, there was silence. I felt something inside of me. The feeling of freedom. Something I haven't felt in forever. Sebastian was dead, he was finally dead. The fire had burned away all the evil and now I'm free.

I still feel burning pain go thorough me but I didn't care right now. He's gone for good. You know that feeling of thinking that you're your proper self but there's a huge part missing because you know something bad is going to happen? That's me right now. Laying on the cold floor, everything is hurting.

I turn to look at Clarissa. Our eyes connected, green looking at green right before her legs give out and she collapses to her knees, still staring into my eyes.

"You," I whisper, my first word to her as the proper me. "You put… the heavenly fire… into the blade of the sword." I try to manage everything out properly but everything was still hurting. "It was… cleverly done."

She kneeled over me, her eyes still wide from the shock of seeing _me_, looking at my face with horrific fascination at what she had just done. "It was a rune, that's all," Clary says. "Sebastian…"

No. No, I'm not him, little sister. "No. I'm not him. I'm – Jonathan," I whisper. "I'm Jonathan." I keep saying that, over and over in my head, just to make sure it isn't just a cruel joke Sebastian has donned onto me to make me feel bad about everything again.

"Go to Sebastian!" I hear Amatis shout, frantically. There was grief and rage all written on her face. "Kill the girl!" _No! No, not her_, I try to say. I struggle to sit up. "No!" My voice was hoarse and dry. "Get back!" The Endarkened, who had just begun to start forward, froze, confusion all over their faces. I then see my mother dash up the steps to where I am. Her expression was a look of amazement mixed with horror. _I'm your son, mother. Please, don't leave me alone again._

"Mother?" I was trying to keep my eyes on her face but I was too dizzy from all the pain. The feeling of blood crept up my throat and I start coughing it up. Blood is running from my mouth onto my chin. Mother looked at me like I was a dream she never thought would come true. Well, here I am, Mum. Here I am, your son.

Then, she did something I never thought she would do, not to Sebastian, not to me; she kneel down and drew my head into her lap. I can breathe more easily and I turn to look at Clary, who is staring in shock, as if she would never think a day like this would come where her brother was actually her brother.

"I am sorry," I say. Though being propped up on my mother's lap eases my breathing, it still comes out in gasps. I try again, "I am so…" – I draw a shaky breath – "I know there is nothing I could do or say now that would allow me to die with even a shred of grace and I would hardly blame you if you cut my throat. But I am… I regret. I'm sorry."

Clary is speechless. Who can blame her though, how can you respond to anything like this? The look on her face says everything. Her face is like an open book. She is trying to figure everything out.

My eyes feel like drooping down so I half-close them but open them enough to see Clary. "Don't. I see you trying to puzzle it out, my sister. Whether I ought to be forgiven the way Luke would forgive his sister if the Infernal Cup released her now. But you see, she _was _his sister once. She was human once. I –" Before I could say anything else, more blood comes up and I start coughing violently. Her face still looking puzzled so I try to explain it more. "I never existed at all. Heavenly fire burns away that which is evil. Jace survived Glorious because he is good. There was enough of him left to live. But I was born to be all corruption. There is not enough of me left to survive. You see the ghost of someone who could have been, that is all."

I look up and see my mother crying silent tears. Crying for _me_. The son she has never had. The son is wished she had.

I look back at Clary. "I must tell you," I whisper. "When I die – the Endarkened will rush at you. I won't be able to hold them back. Where's Jace?" Jace moves forward from where he was on the dais. Like Clary, he has a sad and puzzled expression. "I'm here," says Jace.

I lift my hand up slightly to indicate towards Phaesphoros. "Take my sword," My breathing is coming out in more gasps. "Cut – cut it open."

"Cut what open?" Mother asks in puzzlement while Jace moved to grab Phaesphoros. He jumps down from the dais and strides across the room, to get to where the Behemoth demon was laying in its ichor, dead. As he raised the sword to slice through the demon's body, Clary asks, "What is he doing? How did he know..."

"He – knows me," I breathe out, looking at Jace as he bends down to grab something from the demon's body: the Infernal Cup. My eyes start rolling back and my shoulders start heaving up and down from my body. I look at Clary and try to speak to her without too much stuttering. "T-tell him, tell him to throw it into the ring of runes."

Clary lifts her head to shout out to Jace. "Throw it into the circle!" Amatis hears and her head whipped to me. "No!" she cries. "If the Cup is ruined, so shall we all be! Lord Sebastian" – _no, I'm not Sebastian, I'm Jonathan_ – "Do not let your army be destroyed! We are loyal!" No, you're loyal to Sebastian, to the darkness, but not to me.

I look at her with sad eyes, still supported against my mother. "I'm sorry. I should have never made you." I couldn't bear to look at her anymore so I turn my head away. The sound of something breaking onto the ground echoes around the room and I know that Jace just threw the cup into the circle.

There were gasps from the Endarkened and noises that sounded like people slumping onto the ground. "Amatis," I hear Luke whisper. _I'm so sorry, Luke. I'm so sorry. _The room was full of corpses of the dead Shadowhunters. _I'm so sorry. _

I hear a cry in the distance. The sky turns the colour red, the colour of blood – the cry still went on for miles, like it was sweeping through the whole universe. And I understand why. "Lilith," I whisper out so audibly I don't know if anyone heard. "She weeps for her dead children, the children of her blood. She weeps for them and for me."

After a moment, Clary's trembling voice rings around the room. "They're dead. They're all dead." _Of course they are, little sister_. I give her a choking laugh. "'_Some good I mean to do, despite my own nature_," I murmur, quoting King Lear. "That was something. The Dark Ones are gone."

Clary leans over me, and with urgency in her voice, asks, "Jonathan, please, tell us how to open the border. How to go home. There must be some way."

My voice trembling and still gasping, I whisper, "There's – there's no way. I shattered the gateway. The path to the Seelie Court is closed; all paths are. It's – it's impossible." Heaving, I once again whisper out, "I'm sorry." _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

My sister's face was empty. She said nothing but you can see the moment of hatred in her eyes. Searching them, I say, "Good. Hate me. Rejoice when I die. The last thing I would want now would be to bring you more grief." _You've had too much grief in your life already, little sister. Too many ghosts, too many bad memories. Don't make me one of them. Please don't grieve for me. _

Clary looks over at our mother who is still crying, silent tears running down her face. She takes a deep breath and looks me in the face. It takes her a few moments to say anything, as if she was thinking of what to say in this kind of situation. "I don't hate you," she finally says. "I hate Sebastian. I don't know you."

I close my eyes and remember a beautiful dream I once had, possibly the best dream I have ever had. "I dreamed of a green place once," I whisper. "A manor house and a little girl with red hair, and preparations for a wedding. If there are other worlds, then maybe there is one where I was a good brother and a good son." This day will never come, I know, but you can always dream.

Clary takes another deep breath. "I didn't think you could dream," she says. _Me either, but I did, and that dream was a dream where you were happy. Where everyone was happy. _Clary continues softly, "Valentine filled your veins with poison, and then he raised you to hate; you never had a choice. But the sword burned away all that. Maybe this is who you really are."

My heart starts slowing, I can feel it. It seems impossible to breathe now. I imagine who I could have been if I didn't have the demon blood but that also seems impossible. I take a ragged breath, "That would be a beautiful lie to believe." A slow ghost of a smile spreads on my face. "The fire of Glorious burned away the demon's blood. All my life it has scorched my veins and cut my heart like blades, and weighed me down like lead – all my life, and I never knew it. I never knew the difference."

Everything is getting harder for me now. It's harder for me to speak, harder for me to think, harder for me to breathe. Behind everyone, I can see a distant light ahead. No, not light, a darkness. I don't deserve to walk into the light after all that've done.

I want to die happy, I don't want to ever be sad again. I look at my sister and act as if she can read my thoughts right now. _Dear sister, I am so sorry I was never the brother you wanted me to be. I'm so sorry that I couldn't play video games with you. I'm so sorry that I never got to push you on the swings. I'm so sorry that I couldn't be the sort of protective brother that protected you. I'm so sorry for everything._

I'm starting to feel light and free. I've never felt like this before – but I like it.

"I've never felt so… light," I say softly with an actual smile. As I'm closing my eyes, I catch last glimpses of the sister I wish I had loved like a proper sibling. Her emerald eyes. Her fiery red hair. _Her_. And that is my last thought as I enter oblivion.

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**Hope you enjoyed reading it and it would be super cool if you can tell me what you thought of it by reviewing or favourited :) Also, even though this was intended as a oneshot, do you want me to write an extra chapter, like, him actually going to ya know, heaven or something, seeing Will and talking to him and stuff? Let me know :3**


	2. Chapter 2

**I actually did decide to do another chapter after, what, one month? xD  
****In CoHF, it was mentioned that Jonathan's soul would never be with other Nephilim souls but let's just pretend that was never written and without further ado, here's chapter 2 :) (HAHA THAT KINDA RHYMED)  
**  
***DISCLAMER* I do not own the any of the characters in this. The Shadowhunters belong to Cassandra Clare and little Prim belongs to Suzanne Collins.**

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Jonathan looked around, expecting to see darkness. Instead, he's surrounded by light. _What…? Is this… No, it can't be_, he thought. Before the boy with green eyes walked any further, he's interrupted by a human sound. He remembers back to his death which was what, a few minutes – hours ago? Jonathan could still imagine the searing pain in his chest from the stab wound. He hadn't expected anything like that from Clary: the betrayal or the cleverly sort out plan.

Turning around, he suddenly came face to face with a boy – around his age – who looks very similar to Jace. His eyes bright like a night sky in Edom. Dark hair curled at his neck and temples.

"Are you waiting for someone?" He has a slight British accent. "Because if you aren't, the gate is over there to pass through."

"Wait, where are we? And who are you?" Jonathan asked. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees more human like shapes appearing. For a split second, he believes that they are Lilith's servants, coming to take Jonathan back to the place he belonged but that thought evaporated as soon as he came to the obvious realization that demons can't enter what he is now pretty sure, heaven.

"I am Will Herondale. Jace's massively great ancestor – who, by the way, pretty sure is more handsome in the looks department," Will said, smirking. His hands were clasp behind his back. Jonathan looks back at him with a face. _So this is where Jace got his…_ _personality from_, he thought. Looking over Will's shoulder, Jonathan could see people coming towards them. Not demons. _Of course_, he thought. _How could demons or Lilith enter heaven anyway? _

Jonathan brought his gaze back onto Will's face. "I'm Jon–" Before he could finish his sentence, Will cut in. "Oh, I know who you are. Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, also known as Sebastian," Will cocked his head to the side a little. "17-year-old crazy teenager with daddy issues who tried to burn down the world and raise hell with his sister by his side." The black haired boy stares into his green eyes as if he's expecting an answer to his statement. Jonathan looks at him.

"How do you know so much about me?" Jonathan asked, curious as to how someone who he has never met know that much. "And what – hey, I do _not _have daddy issues. That was the demon, and plus, don't call me Sebastian. I'm Jonathan." Though he still couldn't believe he was finally free from Sebastian, he wanted to be called by his actual name.

Will brings his head down a bit, as if to hide a smirk and brings it back up. "I know a lot, Jonathan, more than you think. I've been watching for a very long time." Will's tone suddenly turns softer. "Not just watching you but others. Such as my wife and parabatai." A faraway look came upon his eyes for a few moments.

Jonathan had no idea what to do so they stood in awkward silence for a moment. The awkwardness was broken by the sound of little footsteps running towards them. "Hey, Will, you promised me you would read this new manga I got with from–" The little boy who stopped in front of them had his eyes on Jonathan. In his gray eyes, Jonathan can make out fear. The little boy suddenly ducked behind Will. His book dropped from his hands to clutch a small wooden solider toy, which was hanging on a chain around his neck.

Will bent down to pick up the fallen manga and holding the comic in one hand, he put the other arm around Max. "What is it Max?" Will had never seen Max like this before: his eyes filling up with tears, lips trembling. Max managed to bring his gaze onto Jonathan's green eyes, which brought a round of confusion upon him.

Realization crashed into Jonathan as he took in the trembling boy hidden behind Will. Flashes of images went around his head: a hammer, a little boy crying out with no noise coming out due to the Quietude rune, blood, _Max._ Jonathan started, "Max…"

The younger Lightwood pointed a finger at Jonathan. "You – you killed me." Tears were filling his eyes faster now. Jonathan could see he was trying to keep them in wanting to show no weakness. "How are you even here, Sebastian?" Max's words were a mix of sadness, confusion and anger.

"Max, I'm Jonathan. Max, please, just listen –"

"No!" Unable to hold back his tears, Max was crying now. "You killed me. I want nothing to do with you. _You're a monster_." Turning away, Max started running towards a blonde haired girl with her hair in two plaits in the distance.

"Prim will probably make him feel better… though I do think he may want this back," Will sighed, holding up Max's book before placing it on the ground for the boy to pick up later.

Jonathan stared down at his hands. "I am a monster, aren't I?" He'd never been human. He lost his humanity before he was even born. How could anything born as a monster be anything but a monster? Jonathan had already been dead before he even had the chance to live. He always was dead. In life he never had a choice, something that had been taken away from him. He could of grown up to be a normal Shadowhunter, brother or son but now he never could. Max was right: he is a monster. Created by Valentine because he just wanted someone to do his dirty work for him.

"You're not, Jonathan," Will said. "Besides, how could a monster be here?"

"But I killed so many people and done such bad things and –"

Will cut him off. "No. That was Sebastian, not you. Heaven's fire burned away all that was bad in you, meaning there's no reason for you to be in hell."

Looking up, Jonathan stared at Will. "I just don't know anymore."

"Beside, you didn't answer my question before. Are you waiting for anyone?"

The Morgenstern boy pondered the question. Would anyone care that he waited? Would anyone even want him to wait? It not like they would care if he did or not. No one knows who he is anymore. Not Clary, not his own mother. All they would see is the ghost of someone who could have been is now isn't. "I don't know."

"Look down."

Jonathan looked and saw Lake Lyn and near the water stood his sister and Jace. She was holding the box that contained his ashes. He watched as she threw it into the water, the Morgenstern ring spinning behind it until it all sunk underneath. Clary moved backwards into Jace's arms and with her tears not being able to be held back, she broke down. His sister was crying. Crying for him. Crying for someone she wished she had. Jonathan closed his eyes.

"Do you see that? She cares. They all care, Jonathan and maybe one day in the future, you could show them what kind of son and brother you could be. The one you are now."

Jonathan opened his eyes, and turned to Will. "I'll wait. However long I have to, just to see them again and be the person I was supposed to be to them."

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**Thank you for reading, once again :)**  
**Maybe I'll write another fanfic soon but for now,**

**CINDY OUT xx  
****(remind me to never say "Cindy out" again, that was weird)**


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